Assumptions

(Written a loooooong time ago!)

I was watching this new game show yesterday. It's called Million Dollar Money Drop. This couple starts the game with a million dollars and they have to correctly answer 7 questions to keep the money. Each question is multiple choice and they place their money on the answer they believe in. They can even divide the money between the available answers, to give them a greater chance of hanging onto some money when unsure of an answer. However, one answer must always be left blank, with no money placed on it. By the time they get to the final question, with however much money they have managed to hold onto, there are only two possible answers. So, it's essentially an all or nothing situation. You will go home with money on none at all.

In yesterday's episode, this couple made it all the way to the final question and they still had $200,000. They were given two possible answers: surfing the internet or watching T.V. The question that was presented asked the couple what teenagers, nationwide, spend the majority of their time doing.

This couple was very excited about this. See, they both worked in schools and spent all their time with teenagers. They had a great deal of confidence in their knowledge and experience. And everything that they knew had taught them that surfing the internet was the answer. They discussed between themselves all that teens do on the internet. They named social networking sites, internet chat, blogging, email, research for homework, downloading I-tunes, etc. They faced the final moment with confidence and peace of mind. They were taking home $200,000 to remodel their home. They were wrong.

To look at this couple, you could learn just a few things. They were well-dressed in fine quality clothing. They were employed in positions regarding college degrees. They were well-spoken, intelligent, and cooperative. However, they couldn't overcome something that we all fall prey to at times in our own lives. They made an assumption based on their knowledge and experience and it was wrong.

I knew the right answer. Of course, because had I got the question wrong I probably wouldn't be blogging right now. But, I knew the answer was T.V. I would not have known this from looking at my own children. My daughter, Emily, is an internet queen. You will not see her without her laptop at her side. She blogs, she chats, she follows blogs, she tweets, she facebooks, she participates in forums (whatever the hell that means, I don't even know if I worded that correctly), she downloads tunes, she "stumbles" (ironically, I do know what that means), she creates albums of interesting stuff she finds on the web, etc., etc., etc. She does not watch T.V. And in our home, we have wireless internet, four laptops, five facebook accounts, two twitter accounts, email, online banking, etc. I cannot imagine not interacting with the internet on a daily basis.

However, about a year ago I found myself working in a community mental health agency. During that experience, I learned a lot about how different my life is compared to a huge section of our population. One of the things I learned is just how many people out there in our cities and in rural America don't have computers and don't have internet access. It was shocking to me. How do they function? The internet is my phonebook, my Atlas, my newspaper, my entertainment, my access to jobs, my teacher ... you name it! But, that was what I found. Many Americans do not have computers and do not have internet access. The couple on the game show made an assumption that was incorrect based on their experience and knowledge and it was wrong. They paid a hefty price, too.

All of this was brought to my mind yesterday after watching the highlights of President Obama's speech at the Tucson Memorial Service. The president said "As we discuss these issues, let each of us do so with a good dose of humility. Rather than pointing fingers or assigning blame, let's use this occassion to expand our moral imaginations, to listen to each other more carefully, to sharpen our instincts for empathy, and remind ourselves of all the ways that our hopes and dreams are bound together. We should be civil because we want to live up to the example of public servants like John Rowe and Gabby Giffords, who knew first and foremost that we are all Americans and that we can question each others' ideas without questioning each others' love of country." Later he said, "I believe that for all our imperfections, we are full of decency and goodness and that the forces that divide us are not as strong as those that unite us. That's what I believe."

So, the question became how do we obtain this dose of humility and this empathy for one another. How is it possible, when everyday all of us make such incorrect assumptions with such great confidence about the lives of others as the couple on the gameshow did. I can tell you one thing right now, wanting to live up to the example of public servants is not a strong enough motivating force. There has only been one force in all of human existance that has been strong enough to overcome every dividing force and that is Jesus Christ. And it is only by recognizing that Jesus Christ died for you too that I can question your ways without questioning your being a child of God, every bit as deserving of love as I. That's what I believe.

Growing closer

Each partner in a marriage is different. I am different from my husband. We have some things in common and then there are some things on which we differ greatly. One of the things we differ on is what we choose to watch on TV. I love the serious stuff. The drama. The Reality TV. The crime shows. Give me a good Criminal Minds, CSI, or Biggest Loser any night of the week. Matt, on the other hand, drives me crazy!! He only likes to watch comedy. The TV sit-com is his favorite. He will watch show after show on the re-run channel. At any given time of the day you can find a Frazier, How I Met Your Mother, or Two and a Half Men. I say he loves these shows because he's a man and men don't like commitment. Or men don't have long enough attention spans, so he can only take a 30 minute, light-hearted show. Whereas I, being a woman, want a show that makes me FEEL! I want a commitment to characters that I form a relationship with over a whole season..... who then tear my heart out when they leave!!

But, as in all marriages, there must be compromise. So, many a night, unfortunately, I find myself sitting next to Matt watching some 30 minute sit-com and wishing I was watching something else. But the craziest thing happens. Somewhere between the first and second commercial break I find that I am loving it. I am hooked. I am totally enjoying it and wouldn't change the channel if the remote was suddenly ripped out of Matt's clutches and handed to me. And typically, there will come a time when I laugh. I don't mean laugh, I mean LAUGH! Like throw my head back and deep from my stomach LAUGH. And that's when it happens. I look at him... Matt. I know to look because I have seen it before. But, I look at him and he's looking at me. And he's got this grin on his face that tells me he just fell in love with me all over again. He's like that you see. He loves to laugh. And he loves to make me laugh. And he loves me to laugh at him. And he loves to see me laughing. And in that moment, because I choose to share with him something that he loves we grow closer. And I know there's nothing else in the world I'd rather be doing than laughing for him and growing closer to him because of it.

And so it is with God.

Doesn't he just drive you crazy? You have your preferences. You like the things you like. You like to do it your way. You would never willingly chose to do it another way. And yet, there comes a time in your life when you have to compromise. With God. Usually because you have no choice. After all, he's pretty much in control. So, you find yourself doing it a different way. Suddenly you are on a different path, one you never would have chosen for yourself. You're grudgingly along for the ride because you have no choice. Then somewhere along the way, between life event 132 and 133, you find you are enjoying this new path. And soon after that you experience that belly laugh... or the higher-than-you've-ever-been-on high.; or the most-fulfilled-you've-ever-been fulfilled; the happiest-you've-ever-been happy. And at that moment, you know to turn to Him. You know because you've been there before. And when you do you see that He has fallen in love with you all over again. He loved you before. He never stopped loving you. But by sharing in what He loves, doing it His way, you grew closer. And in that moment you realize that there's no way you would switch to that other path, the one you would have chosen for yourself. Because by doing what He loves, you grew closer and are forever changed.

We all need reminders!!

Okay, I just read every entry that I've written in this blog since I started it in Jan. 2010. Don't get too impressed.... I think it was about 6 entries! But, it was a good thing that I read it. It reminded me of what I had already forgotten, that this was supposed to be a journal for me. It was supposed to be a journal that had DAILY entries that chronicled my walk as a christian! Somewhere along the way I got sidetracked. I started thinking that I had to have some intriguing topic in my head that was dying to get out before I could write. How many of us walk around with intriguing topics every day that are just bursting from us? So... I haven't written often. But, I intend to do better! I will try to write everyday. (Even if I have nothing intriguing to say!!!) I think I need to change it up a bit though. I think that this is just going to be about my walk... you know, as a person, as a woman, as a christian, as a wife and mother, etc. etc. Hopefully, as I grow in Christ, the walk as a christian will become more and more evident in the walks of the person, woman, wife, mother!! Anyway, I have a new goal, just to write. Daily!! Whether I have something to say or not!! See you tomorrow.

Time keeps on turning, turning, turning......

I'm a fan of Dave Ramsey. You know, the financial guru guy who tries to help people get out of debt. A lot of people are passionate about hating Dave because he has made a fortune trying to help people get out of debt. I don't understand this. Doctors make a fortune helping people get well. Do we hate them for that? He lives exactly what he teaches. That wealth can be built by following some basic principles. He's followed them and he's wealthy. Shouldn't that be encouraging to us??

Anyway, this isn't about whether Dave should be hated or not. One of the things Dave says that has always stuck with me is that if you don't tell your money where to go, it will get up and go on it's own and you will have no idea where it went. I'm paraphrasing here, but that is the gist of it.

Have you ever experienced that situation where you said you were going to save $500 out of this month's paychecks? Then you get to the end of the month and you only have $73 left (which you don't save because "why bother, it's only $73"). And you are like, "holy crap! where did I blow all that money"!! And you start adding it up. Well, there was that new tire you had to buy because you suddenly realized you could see silver wire sticking out of the side of your old one. And there was that graduation party you got invited to that you had to take a gift to. And then there was that lunch out with the girls because it was Mary's birthday and her husband wasn't in town and we couldn't let her be alone on her birthday. But, eventually you reach a stopping point and find that you are still $237 short of accounting for your lost money. That's happened to you, right?

Well, guess what this week is. This week is the one year anniversary of me quitting my job. This has definitely made me realize something. Time is exactly like money!!! If you don't tell your time where to go, it just goes on it's own and you have no idea where it went!! Brilliant, I know.

When I quit my job, the most exciting thing to me was that I would finally have time to lose weight!! It was very discouraging this week to realize it has been one year and to evaluate where I am now. I am 20 lbs lighter than a year ago. Now, the average doctor who is conducting a yearly physical would be thrilled to see that someone in their 40's is 20 lbs. lighter this year than last year. But, I was not thrilled. Mind you now, I was not DIScouraged! I'm not going to throw away the 20 lbs. weight loss because it wasn't the goal I was seeking. I'll take it! But I was disappointed that I haven't accomplished more.

I look at it this way. For the first time since I became a mother 20 years ago, I had time to devote strictly to myself. I had no job. I had no childcare needs. I had transportation to anywhere I wanted to go for exercise. At every point in the year I had access to a gym that we had already had a membership to or was free. I was healthy and physically able to participate in any weight loss activity. So, why only 20 lbs. when I needed to lose so much more and could have done it safely in a years time?

This is where we revert back to Dave Ramsey. I just didn't tell my time where to go. I didn't schedule my workouts on the calendar, didn't make them the priority of my day, and didn't tell myself how much of the week would be spent in the gym. So, now I sit here wondering where the year went. I know I spent atleast 6 days painting rooms in my house to sell it. I could add up all the time I spent at church and know it would be atleast a month of Sundays (not a bad investment, if I do say so myself). I know I spent 2 days on the road driving to CO. Hmmmm... wonder how many days I spent sitting on the toilet or taking a shower.... Shoot, I don't even want to figure out how much time I spent tending an imaginary frontier on Facebook! (But, I'm over that now).

So, starting today, my goal is to schedule my time, to tell it where to go so I have an accounting of what I did with it. When next June rolls around, I plan to be so busy enjoying my accomplishments that I don't waste any time trying to figure out what I did with all my time in the past year.

I have wanted to write a book since I was about 15 years old. That's a 26 year old dream. How, in 26 years have I not found the time to accomplish that? Guess what I need to do before next June!! What have you always wanted to accomplish? What are you doing with your time? Have you told your time to devote itself to your dreams? What will you accomplish in the coming year? What was I doing last New Year's when I should have been devoting time to setting new goals???

I have to finish this now. First, because I have said everything I need to say and any more will sound redundant and you will lose interest, if you haven't already. Second, because I have a scheduled 3-mile walk in 45 mins. in the Black Forrest with my walker-friend that I picked up on Craigslist! If it's on the calendar, it'll happen!!

Enough

I'm reading this book right now. I'm sure you know the book, most people are familiar with it. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. If you haven't read the book, then perhaps you have seen the movie starring Julia Roberts. And though this may not have been in the movie, you will probably get the gist of this line that I stumbled upon in the book. It read: "This was my moment to look for the kind of healing and peace that can only come from solitude."

I'm also waiting to move to Colorado right now. My husband took a new job there back in August and we are waiting for the house to sell before the rest of the family joins him.... or, atleast those members who are moving. We believe two members are abdicating for a new life in the south separate from their parents. During this time of waiting, I made the decision to leave my job and focus on getting the house ready to sell with all that it entails. I've worked on everything from cleaning, to painting, decluttering, and reorganizing; anything to help it sell in today's market.

This is a very different experience for me. I started working during college in 1989 at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Lancaster, OH. Back then, fried was not a four letter word so they hadn't yet shortened the name to KFC. I married in 1992 and continued working. I started caring for children in my home after college graduation and then, after being shipped to Germany with my husband by the Army, I continued at a job in the PX (Army equivalent of Wal-Mart) called Ops-Squad. Though that title may bring to mind "secret-squirrell stuff" it was really a fancy way of saying "you come to work and I will tell you where you will work for the day depending on who has called in sick and what projects, sales, or shipments the store has going on". With the exception of a year in 1998 after the birth of my son (during which he had about 5 surgeries, keeping me very busy), I have never not worked. Never not had a job. Never not contributed to the family income.

So, this brings me to today..... almost six months after having left the last job that I had. The rooms have been repainted. The little projects are done. The house is relatively clean. I have steadily shown it to prospective buyers. So, what is left? What there is, is a lot of time left. I started to fill this time with Facebook. I made sure that I never missed a Status Update or a picture posted. I never failed to update my own status either, though I quickly found that when you don't work, you have less to say about your day. Then I discovered I had this homestead on a Frontier that I never knew about and, boy, was it in bad shape. It took me atleast two good solid months of tending to get my land cleared, varmints run off, buildings built, and crops harvested.

After my homestead was thriving, the challenge was gone and so I wandered. I found a box of books in the attic that I have saved since about 1989. It contained all my favorite romance and trashy novels. In case you did not know, there is a difference between a romance novel and a trashy novel. IMHO (in my humble opinion), an author starts writing trashy novels (that have good sex scenes). As she (or he) gains notoriety, the novels increase in page length, the sex scenes become less steamy, and the price goes up by about $3. That would be the difference. So, I began to re-read all these old treasures. Most of these books I acquired before ever meeting Love-of-my-life. Now that I have been Mrs. Loveofmylife for 18 years, I was able to easily dispose of some of these novels for false advertising. (That was really just a joke based on the average view of marriage in America. I, however, am still quite giddy over Mr. Loveofmylife.)

So now that the house is ready, the homestead is thriving, and the books are read, what was I to do?

Let me tell you about my mom. My mom worked my whole life. My mom worked to support the family alongside my dad. And sometimes my Mom worked while he didn't. She worked when they divorced and she was single. She worked after they remarried (each other). She even worked after they found her brain tumor and returned to work after they cut the brain tumor out of her head. She still worked two years later when the tumor came back and she had to go through it all again. She's at work today. She raised five kids while she worked. She maintained a household while she worked. She shoveled coal into the furnace in the basement at 4:30A.M. so the house would be warm when the kids woke up and then she walked in the snow for a mile to catch her ride to work. No joke, folks. We were poor and this was rural New York.

One day, about a month ago, I was being teased on Facebook about having a Facebook addiction. I took it in good stride and played with it a bit, until someone posted such a simple comment. "I have to admit, you DO spend some serious time on here." Well, that crawled all over me. I became indignant, got all huffy, my ears got hot, my forehead got wrinkled and my eyebrows moved closer to each other. And I spent 30 mins. composing my reply! You see, the person who made the statement never knew me before July of this year. She has no idea of what I have been prior to quitting my job. And I desperately had to clear up this misconception of me. This woman who lolls around the house reading romance novels and checking Facebook every 5 minutes is not me!!! This is just temporary!! I am just waiting to move!! I am much more than someone who makes a home and lets her husband support her! I have worked for the past 20 years! I have maintained a home and raised 3 kids WHILE working full-time AND going to school full-time to get a masters degree WHILE my husband was in IRAQ!!!! So don't you tell me that I'm a Facebook addict. I am not a Facebook addict!!

I AM MY MOTHER!!!!!

And the truth is revealed....

You know what happens to someone when they spend all day at home alone while the husband is gone and the kids are at school? At first, there is work to be done. They keep busy. Then the work is done and they play a little. But, ultimately, they run out of work and get bored with the play and then there is something else. Silence. Not total silence. The dog laps his water in the kitchen. The TV talks in the other room. But, there is the type of silence that allows me to hear my voice. There is time for the inner dialogue between the person I would have been had I "only ever experienced love and certainty in my life" (also taken from Eat, Pray, Love) and the person that I currently am to occur. There are no other voices. There is no "Mom!! Where is my...(insert lost item here)?", "Mom!! What's for dinner?" There is only solitude. The kind of solitude that brings peace.

You know how they say that if you really want a relationship with Jesus you have to spend time with Him? And you know how they say that in order to have a lasting marriage, you have to devote time to each other. And they say that kids spell love T-I-M-E. Well, imagine my surprise to find that in order to like yourself, in order to love yourself, you got to spend some time with yourself. You've got to be alone with yourself, ... in silence, in solitude.

So, guess what I'm doing these days. Now that the house is painted and Frontierville has lost its charm and the books have been read, you won't believe what I am doing. I am just liking myself. Sometimes, I even spend time loving myself. And I am learning!! I am learning so much. I have learned that I am valuable whether I bring home a paycheck or not. I have learned that I don't have to lie about what I am doing when my husband calls and says "What are you doing?" (though habit still makes me feel guilty for saying "nothing"). I have learned that I am married to this magnificent man who is capable of supporting the family without my help. I have given him a gift by letting him. I have learned that I deserve to be lazy sometimes and I deserve to spoil myself at times and I deserve to love myself whether I have a job or not.

So, guess what I'm doing right now. It's after 10 A.M. and I'm still wearing my jammies. I'm sitting on my bed and playing on the computer. I'm about to dive into a new book that will probably fritter away most of the day. And I'm waiting for my morning phone call from Loveofmylife who will ask me "What are you doing?" and I will say "Enjoying the solitude." And that will be enough., because I am enough.

Duh!

I know I am a smart person. I know I'm a bit above average intelligence. I think I can say that without being too conceited and without getting "smited by God" for lack of humbleness. There have been signs along the way that indicated I'm a smart girl. But, no amount of intelligence protects you from having "moments". You know, those moments ... when the lightbulb goes on and it is so glaringly obvious that you can't for the life of yourself figure out how you never saw it before. So, I had one of those moments yesterday.

We had this thing at our church on Saturday, a Back-to-school thing, service to the community thing, trying to meet the needs of parents of school-aged kids thing. I had signed up to help late in the day, but I told myself I would show up earlier than my assigned time to pitch in. However, trying to make myself leave the house was difficult. You see, we are selling our house. It's been on the market for about two weeks and I now live with the knowledge that anyone could show up at anytime with hardly any notice to see our home. Therefore, it is on me, and in my best interest, to keep it as clean as possible at all times. I must have my house in order or I can't leave the house. So, on Saturday, as I was telling myself I should leave for the church, I continuously had to remind myself that until my house was in order, I couldn't go. Plain and simple, no options, my number one priority is for my house to be in order. Period.

So, then jump to church on Sunday. There I am, having a great time in worship, singing away, minding my own business, and praising my God. When suddenly, there's that dang lightbulb, so glaringly obvious, destroying my moment of worship. It's hanging over my head and I know there wasn't a soul in the room who missed it. And of course, surely they were wondering how someone as intelligent as I didn't figure this out a looooooong time ago.

The revelation that was illuminated to me was this .... why don't I have the same standard when it comes to my spiritual life? Why I don't I require that my "house" be in order before I am allowed to leave the house (go out into the world) everyday? Why is it that I am able to walk out of the house day after day after day without having spent time with God getting myself prayed up and girded to face what may come? I know that it is in my best interest to have "my house in order", and yet, I have never required it of myself. I simply assume that sometime during the day, when I find time, perhaps at the end of the day, I will get around to it. Perhaps, if I don't run out of time doing all the other important things in my life, I will get my house in order. I guess it's all about priorities and it shows me that I've got some rearranging to do.

Still walking!

Soooo, .... after visiting this site recently I realized that I haven't blogged since January. Since this site was intended to be a way of journaling my walk, I feel the need to defend myself. I'M STILL WALKING!! Obviously I'm no better at blog-journaling than I was with the old-fashioned pen and paper. However, the good news is that my walk continues. I think there's an important lesson here for us. On the outside, it may look to us like someone is not walking with the Lord, not growing in the Lord, but only God and the person knows the truth.

I've got a few different things going on right now. I am in a small study group with 5 other women. We chose different things to study, not always the bible. At the present time, we are studying a book called Boundaries. It's a must read for everybody. EVERYBODY. Therapists recommend this book to practically every client. The authors are christians and there are scripture references throughout the book. It's more significant to my personal growth than my spiritual growth (as if they can be separated!). However, I was thinking the other day how much less conflict there would be within the church if all the church members were to read this book.

I'm also in a small sunday school class. This class is led by my husband when he's in town and myself when he's not. Right now, we are studying the book of Romans. Praise God he's been in town every Sunday and we are over half way through. But, this week we were studying from Romans, chapters 9 thru 11. I found two awesome verses that have stayed on my mind all week. They are Rom 9:17 ... I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be procalimed in all the earth! There it is right there, folks ... THE MEANING OF LIFE. Nothing else matters. Good stuff will happen in your life. Bad stuff will happen. Blessings, curses, tragedies, triumphs .... through it all, nothing matters but letting God's power be displayed and proclaiming His name.

Then the other, Rom 9:20 .... But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "Why did you make me like this?" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use? How's that as an answer to all the dislikes of myself? When I question why I am the way I am, I am back-talking God!! And as we learned in the sermon this past week, when we back-talk God, he responds!!! Job 38:4 ... Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand!

So, you see, I am still walking. I'm walking and I'm growing and I'm loving how He's speaking to me through His word. I may not be the blogger I intended to be, but I'm thinking that's not really what He cares about. Just as long as every blog, no matter how far in between, proclaims His name.