Enough

I'm reading this book right now. I'm sure you know the book, most people are familiar with it. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. If you haven't read the book, then perhaps you have seen the movie starring Julia Roberts. And though this may not have been in the movie, you will probably get the gist of this line that I stumbled upon in the book. It read: "This was my moment to look for the kind of healing and peace that can only come from solitude."

I'm also waiting to move to Colorado right now. My husband took a new job there back in August and we are waiting for the house to sell before the rest of the family joins him.... or, atleast those members who are moving. We believe two members are abdicating for a new life in the south separate from their parents. During this time of waiting, I made the decision to leave my job and focus on getting the house ready to sell with all that it entails. I've worked on everything from cleaning, to painting, decluttering, and reorganizing; anything to help it sell in today's market.

This is a very different experience for me. I started working during college in 1989 at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Lancaster, OH. Back then, fried was not a four letter word so they hadn't yet shortened the name to KFC. I married in 1992 and continued working. I started caring for children in my home after college graduation and then, after being shipped to Germany with my husband by the Army, I continued at a job in the PX (Army equivalent of Wal-Mart) called Ops-Squad. Though that title may bring to mind "secret-squirrell stuff" it was really a fancy way of saying "you come to work and I will tell you where you will work for the day depending on who has called in sick and what projects, sales, or shipments the store has going on". With the exception of a year in 1998 after the birth of my son (during which he had about 5 surgeries, keeping me very busy), I have never not worked. Never not had a job. Never not contributed to the family income.

So, this brings me to today..... almost six months after having left the last job that I had. The rooms have been repainted. The little projects are done. The house is relatively clean. I have steadily shown it to prospective buyers. So, what is left? What there is, is a lot of time left. I started to fill this time with Facebook. I made sure that I never missed a Status Update or a picture posted. I never failed to update my own status either, though I quickly found that when you don't work, you have less to say about your day. Then I discovered I had this homestead on a Frontier that I never knew about and, boy, was it in bad shape. It took me atleast two good solid months of tending to get my land cleared, varmints run off, buildings built, and crops harvested.

After my homestead was thriving, the challenge was gone and so I wandered. I found a box of books in the attic that I have saved since about 1989. It contained all my favorite romance and trashy novels. In case you did not know, there is a difference between a romance novel and a trashy novel. IMHO (in my humble opinion), an author starts writing trashy novels (that have good sex scenes). As she (or he) gains notoriety, the novels increase in page length, the sex scenes become less steamy, and the price goes up by about $3. That would be the difference. So, I began to re-read all these old treasures. Most of these books I acquired before ever meeting Love-of-my-life. Now that I have been Mrs. Loveofmylife for 18 years, I was able to easily dispose of some of these novels for false advertising. (That was really just a joke based on the average view of marriage in America. I, however, am still quite giddy over Mr. Loveofmylife.)

So now that the house is ready, the homestead is thriving, and the books are read, what was I to do?

Let me tell you about my mom. My mom worked my whole life. My mom worked to support the family alongside my dad. And sometimes my Mom worked while he didn't. She worked when they divorced and she was single. She worked after they remarried (each other). She even worked after they found her brain tumor and returned to work after they cut the brain tumor out of her head. She still worked two years later when the tumor came back and she had to go through it all again. She's at work today. She raised five kids while she worked. She maintained a household while she worked. She shoveled coal into the furnace in the basement at 4:30A.M. so the house would be warm when the kids woke up and then she walked in the snow for a mile to catch her ride to work. No joke, folks. We were poor and this was rural New York.

One day, about a month ago, I was being teased on Facebook about having a Facebook addiction. I took it in good stride and played with it a bit, until someone posted such a simple comment. "I have to admit, you DO spend some serious time on here." Well, that crawled all over me. I became indignant, got all huffy, my ears got hot, my forehead got wrinkled and my eyebrows moved closer to each other. And I spent 30 mins. composing my reply! You see, the person who made the statement never knew me before July of this year. She has no idea of what I have been prior to quitting my job. And I desperately had to clear up this misconception of me. This woman who lolls around the house reading romance novels and checking Facebook every 5 minutes is not me!!! This is just temporary!! I am just waiting to move!! I am much more than someone who makes a home and lets her husband support her! I have worked for the past 20 years! I have maintained a home and raised 3 kids WHILE working full-time AND going to school full-time to get a masters degree WHILE my husband was in IRAQ!!!! So don't you tell me that I'm a Facebook addict. I am not a Facebook addict!!

I AM MY MOTHER!!!!!

And the truth is revealed....

You know what happens to someone when they spend all day at home alone while the husband is gone and the kids are at school? At first, there is work to be done. They keep busy. Then the work is done and they play a little. But, ultimately, they run out of work and get bored with the play and then there is something else. Silence. Not total silence. The dog laps his water in the kitchen. The TV talks in the other room. But, there is the type of silence that allows me to hear my voice. There is time for the inner dialogue between the person I would have been had I "only ever experienced love and certainty in my life" (also taken from Eat, Pray, Love) and the person that I currently am to occur. There are no other voices. There is no "Mom!! Where is my...(insert lost item here)?", "Mom!! What's for dinner?" There is only solitude. The kind of solitude that brings peace.

You know how they say that if you really want a relationship with Jesus you have to spend time with Him? And you know how they say that in order to have a lasting marriage, you have to devote time to each other. And they say that kids spell love T-I-M-E. Well, imagine my surprise to find that in order to like yourself, in order to love yourself, you got to spend some time with yourself. You've got to be alone with yourself, ... in silence, in solitude.

So, guess what I'm doing these days. Now that the house is painted and Frontierville has lost its charm and the books have been read, you won't believe what I am doing. I am just liking myself. Sometimes, I even spend time loving myself. And I am learning!! I am learning so much. I have learned that I am valuable whether I bring home a paycheck or not. I have learned that I don't have to lie about what I am doing when my husband calls and says "What are you doing?" (though habit still makes me feel guilty for saying "nothing"). I have learned that I am married to this magnificent man who is capable of supporting the family without my help. I have given him a gift by letting him. I have learned that I deserve to be lazy sometimes and I deserve to spoil myself at times and I deserve to love myself whether I have a job or not.

So, guess what I'm doing right now. It's after 10 A.M. and I'm still wearing my jammies. I'm sitting on my bed and playing on the computer. I'm about to dive into a new book that will probably fritter away most of the day. And I'm waiting for my morning phone call from Loveofmylife who will ask me "What are you doing?" and I will say "Enjoying the solitude." And that will be enough., because I am enough.

Duh!

I know I am a smart person. I know I'm a bit above average intelligence. I think I can say that without being too conceited and without getting "smited by God" for lack of humbleness. There have been signs along the way that indicated I'm a smart girl. But, no amount of intelligence protects you from having "moments". You know, those moments ... when the lightbulb goes on and it is so glaringly obvious that you can't for the life of yourself figure out how you never saw it before. So, I had one of those moments yesterday.

We had this thing at our church on Saturday, a Back-to-school thing, service to the community thing, trying to meet the needs of parents of school-aged kids thing. I had signed up to help late in the day, but I told myself I would show up earlier than my assigned time to pitch in. However, trying to make myself leave the house was difficult. You see, we are selling our house. It's been on the market for about two weeks and I now live with the knowledge that anyone could show up at anytime with hardly any notice to see our home. Therefore, it is on me, and in my best interest, to keep it as clean as possible at all times. I must have my house in order or I can't leave the house. So, on Saturday, as I was telling myself I should leave for the church, I continuously had to remind myself that until my house was in order, I couldn't go. Plain and simple, no options, my number one priority is for my house to be in order. Period.

So, then jump to church on Sunday. There I am, having a great time in worship, singing away, minding my own business, and praising my God. When suddenly, there's that dang lightbulb, so glaringly obvious, destroying my moment of worship. It's hanging over my head and I know there wasn't a soul in the room who missed it. And of course, surely they were wondering how someone as intelligent as I didn't figure this out a looooooong time ago.

The revelation that was illuminated to me was this .... why don't I have the same standard when it comes to my spiritual life? Why I don't I require that my "house" be in order before I am allowed to leave the house (go out into the world) everyday? Why is it that I am able to walk out of the house day after day after day without having spent time with God getting myself prayed up and girded to face what may come? I know that it is in my best interest to have "my house in order", and yet, I have never required it of myself. I simply assume that sometime during the day, when I find time, perhaps at the end of the day, I will get around to it. Perhaps, if I don't run out of time doing all the other important things in my life, I will get my house in order. I guess it's all about priorities and it shows me that I've got some rearranging to do.

Still walking!

Soooo, .... after visiting this site recently I realized that I haven't blogged since January. Since this site was intended to be a way of journaling my walk, I feel the need to defend myself. I'M STILL WALKING!! Obviously I'm no better at blog-journaling than I was with the old-fashioned pen and paper. However, the good news is that my walk continues. I think there's an important lesson here for us. On the outside, it may look to us like someone is not walking with the Lord, not growing in the Lord, but only God and the person knows the truth.

I've got a few different things going on right now. I am in a small study group with 5 other women. We chose different things to study, not always the bible. At the present time, we are studying a book called Boundaries. It's a must read for everybody. EVERYBODY. Therapists recommend this book to practically every client. The authors are christians and there are scripture references throughout the book. It's more significant to my personal growth than my spiritual growth (as if they can be separated!). However, I was thinking the other day how much less conflict there would be within the church if all the church members were to read this book.

I'm also in a small sunday school class. This class is led by my husband when he's in town and myself when he's not. Right now, we are studying the book of Romans. Praise God he's been in town every Sunday and we are over half way through. But, this week we were studying from Romans, chapters 9 thru 11. I found two awesome verses that have stayed on my mind all week. They are Rom 9:17 ... I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be procalimed in all the earth! There it is right there, folks ... THE MEANING OF LIFE. Nothing else matters. Good stuff will happen in your life. Bad stuff will happen. Blessings, curses, tragedies, triumphs .... through it all, nothing matters but letting God's power be displayed and proclaiming His name.

Then the other, Rom 9:20 .... But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "Why did you make me like this?" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use? How's that as an answer to all the dislikes of myself? When I question why I am the way I am, I am back-talking God!! And as we learned in the sermon this past week, when we back-talk God, he responds!!! Job 38:4 ... Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand!

So, you see, I am still walking. I'm walking and I'm growing and I'm loving how He's speaking to me through His word. I may not be the blogger I intended to be, but I'm thinking that's not really what He cares about. Just as long as every blog, no matter how far in between, proclaims His name.

'Tis the season!

In sunday school this week we spent some time talking about the 2nd chapter of Ephesians. Our pastor is preaching a sermon series on Ephesians and so our class is following up the sermon with discussion of our own. We have a small, tight-knit group in sunday school. We do a lot of sharing together. All of us have had our struggles at one time or another over the past year. We support each other, encourage each other, and sometimes just gripe to each other. We don't always get a whole lot of any particular lesson done, but it's not a bad thing. We're a family and we enjoy it.

So, this week the congregation was asked in the sermon to consider two questions. Have you experienced new life in Christ; have you been changed? Secondly, how are you working on God's behalf, in partnership with Him, to extend the family of God? As we talked about the first question, we found a common theme. We felt like we have times when we feel like we have a new life in Christ, like we have been changed and our whole outlook is different. But, then there are the times when we struggle, when we are stuck in a rut and see no end in sight.

My husband and I have been in one of these ruts for awhile. Since leaving my job last January to finish my master's degree, we have struggled. The first 6 months went okay. But, you know how it is when you have a plan in mind and the plan doesn't pan out like you thought it would. We had anticipated that I would be back to work by August or September, after I had graduated. Well, here it is, January, and I am working part-time, but far from the full-time salary I was earning last January. This has created financial stresses that weigh us down.

So, as we talked in class about how this has taken a toll on our spirits, I found myself using the words of a friend. My friend used to say to me "This is just the season I'm in." Well, on the drive home as I talked with my husband about our current situation and how it has affected our spirits, it came up again, "it's just a season we are going through".


I got to thinking about that. Now, I claim to be a New Yorker. Not by birth, just by memories. Ages 2 to 12 spent in New York state, the formative years. And being a New Yorker, a yankee, something that I frequently tell people that I miss are the seasons. All 4 of them! Down here in the south, we get such short springs and falls. My sister, who lives in New Hampshire, was visiting last April and went out for a run. Coming from such cold weather back home, she remarked after her run that she'd be out running every day if her weather was like this. I laughed at her, pointing out that in just 3 short weeks, that nice spring weather would be hitting 85 and 90 degrees. And pretty soon, we'd be miserable outside and living in our air conditioned homes and cars. That's what I hate about our summers here, too dang hot for too long!!

But, that's when it hit me. For a time, I love that hot weather. For a time, it feels awesome and I get excited about going swimming and outdoor picnics. You see, what I love about having 4 distinct seasons, is that there is something great about every season. There is beauty in every season. During the summer it is swimming and picnics. During the fall it's the beauty of the leaves and pumpkins and wooly bears. During the winter it is the the fresh blanket of snow and the 4 cardinals sitting in the bushes out my window. And during the spring it is the flowers, lightening bugs, and baby bunnies.

Yes, there is beauty in every season. Then it starts to get old. The days just become long and hot, too hot. The leaves fall and everything just looks dead and barren. The snow turns to slush and gets dirty and ugly. The spring rains that bring new life leaves the dog muddy and sends footprints through the house.

So, what are we to do when we have reached the point that we're still in the season but no longer happy to be there? What are we to do when we are in that rut and see no end in sight? We wait. We wait patiently and we have faith. For, in Ezekial 35:26 it tells us "I will bless them and the places surrounding my hill. I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing." And while we wait, ask yourself that second question, "How are you working on His behalf, in partnership with Him, to extend the family of God?" This is an important question. It's important because it tells us in Eph. 2:10 "For we are what he has made us, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand to be our way of life." Did you catch that? Did you ever think about it like that? God has prepared the good works ahead of time that He's waiting for me to do. They are out there, waiting to be noticed. So, while you wait, you take your eyes off of the dry dead grass, off of the lifeless trees, off of the dirty slush, and off of the mud and rainclouds and you start looking for the good works. Because they are in every season. And when we are focused on the good works that need to be done, the season changes and the showers of blessing come.

Resolutions

So, it's January, a new year, 2010. People are all abuzz talking about resolutions. The friend at work asks you if you made a New Year's Resolution. Talk shows, news programs, store displays, sale ads, ... there are reminders everywhere that we should be setting new goals.

I've done this in the past, set goals. Mostly, they've been about weight loss. My body, my health. Looking better and feeling better. But, in truth, they usually all boil down to self image. Liking my self. Do you like yourself? Do you look in the mirror and like what you see? That's a hard thing for so many of us, to like what we see.

Recently, I was reading a Joyce Meyer book. It's called Battlefield of the Mind. I'm in a study group with 5 other ladies and this is what we are working on right now. Ironcially, no matter what I think about those 5 other ladies, I found out through this study that they think of themselves about the same way that I think of myself. Interesting, huh? So, in this book, Joyce is talking about peace. And she writes that peace is a fruit of the spirit. It tells us this in Galations 5:22. And then, Joyce points us to John 15:4, where it says that the only way to see fruit is by abiding in the vine. So, Joyce says, peace can't just be put on you, you can't just get peace, it has to grow because you are abiding in the vine.

I found myself intrigued by that thought and turned to those scriptures to learn more. And what did I learn? I learned what the other fruits of the spirit are ... love, joy, peace, patience, kindess, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and, ... AND, self-control. How about that? Self-control. So how many New Year's Resolutions have you made over the years that required self control? Losing weight, eating better, quitting smoking, drinking less, reading your Bible more, praying more, etc., etc., etc. Self control, baby! How many of us lack the self control to stick with our resolutions year after year. How many of us lack the will power to say no to so many things?

So, this is my new resolution, ... to abide in the vine. This year, 2010, I will not focus on losing weight, getting skinnier, fitting into that certain size, etc. This year, I will focus on living in Christ. Learning about Him, loving Him, knowing Him. And trusting that through Him, I will see fruit in my life. That is what this blog will be about. I've never been a successful journaler. I believe in the effectiveness of journaling, but never manage to pull it off (again, self control!). But, this blogging thing may be different. I'm going to give it a try and blog my journey abiding in the vine. I pray I see great fruit begin to grow.